I am having a hard time trying to cope with my time and space issue here. What I can say is that it is affecting a lot of things around me. Including my job, my colleagues and my family. Especially the one closest to me are affected. This include Sophia and my mother. My house mate also feel the pinch as she was dragged into this by Sophia.
One part of the problem is been bogged down by Sophia’s demands of time while juggling with project time. The other part being myself depleted of my own time and space. Being not able to do what I want to do, is what I want. Yet this demanding life bled me of all this.
I have recently falling in love again. This love is not an ordinary love, but a love of a different realm. This love is more than just the love of man and his woman. I have fallen in love with myself. I want more than just a 9 to 5 job and a family life that is routine all the time.
I know I am being loved by a lot of people. But the most important one has yet to live itself. I want to regain my life. I do love Sophia. I do love mom, I do love my dad and Tom and Ric. I do love Betty and Ann. Not to forget the two adorable Marcus and Shannon. All being part of my family. I wouldn’t mind sacrifice my love for them.
One thing of love is very complicated. It reciprocate. If you loved someone and was not loved back in return, you will felt that it is not worth while to continue the love. I have come to this cross road with Sophia. Though she said she loved me, but her love was measured by how much, how long and how often. As for Ric and Tom, we reciprocate all the time. I do share with them all the love that I have. As for Betty, she has been someone I put some what a lot of attention to but she didn’t reciprocate. Therefore I just kept her in a maintenance mode. I still love my sis but not as much as tom and Ric.
As for dad and mom, I care for them. I loved them very much so much so that I scold my mom for not going to see a doc when she was sick. As for dad, we always had an understanding.
The odd one is Ann. A recent addition to my family. she being my own lil sis. I loved her for she is caring. She has the same frequency as I am (sometimes) and she went all out to help someone especially when coming to help Sophia. I love her for her caring. Therefore I reciprocate. giving my care and attention to her. But inside it all, she is like my little sister, which is what I’m calling her now, lil sis.
At this turning point of my life, I’ve found that those that most supportive to me is not my Sophia, but from a little sister who has problems of her own, yet still willingly lend a listening ear and a helping hand. That’s why I will do whatever I can to reciprocate to her with help to solve her problems.
Tom has recently returned to Kuching on a surprise. We have always being close siblings who is afar. helping him recently has given me a chance to reciprocate to him what help he has render to me in 2004.
So, with all these, I am trying to balance myself. I need to do what I want to do. I need to achieve goals I’ve set. I need space and time for myself and most important of all, I need love reciprocate. Some called it mid life crisis, I called it the pissing stage of my life.